Same Interview, the Second Year

If I’m being completely honest, I debated not writing/posting this at all. This year has been a crazy one, and I’ve gone through a lot. Everything is new. So much has changed. So after thinking some more, I finally decided to write this…for you, friends and family…as well as for future me.

How old are you?

What advice would you give yourself a year from now?

Keep God as your number one. Never lose sight of Him.

What advice would you give yourself a year ago?

Stop worrying. Things will change. You don’t need to “push yourself” out of anxiety to get to a certain point.

What's your biggest regret?

For this year or my entire life? I guess in general, I don’t have regrets. Anything not optimal turns into a teaching point. But if I had to choose something, then not loving those around me when I had the chance.

What is the biggest thing you've learned?

The world is so not black and white. There are a million facets, a million angles, a thousand opinions. The only steadfast thing is the Lord. Besides Him, everything else is shades of gray.

I used to think things were so simple. Choices were easy, things would just have an answer. But as I’m growing up, the more I’m seeing just how complicated things can be. There is only one thing I can be certain of. Everything else is chaos.

How would you define your style in three words?

Black, comfy, oversized

What is the most important thing in your life to you right now?

On a material level, finishing my pharmacy tech training and getting nationally licensed. On a more general note though, loving those in my life and finding ways to be a light.

How do you define success, and do you think you've reached it?

I don’t think my answer has changed from last year. There is no point in this life that I can reach and call success. My success isn’t based on anything I do. It’s based on Jesus and Him only. When I die and the Lord brings me into heaven…that’s when I’ll be at success. But none of it is my own.

What is one thing you're struggling with?

One thing? Only one thing? There’s a ton of small stuff. I moved out on my own, have a full time job, and have new people in my life. So much has changed. I wouldn’t say I’m struggling, maybe just being challenged. And that’s not a bad thing. I think my answer to this question is identical to last year’s: relationships. Still figuring that stuff out.

Biggest thing to happen to you this year?

I moved into my own apartment. I’m paying bills now, budgeting, cooking all my own food, etc. A lot has changed this year, but that has to be the biggest.

Do you feel pressure?

Not as much as last year I think. I’ve learned to let go a lot more recently. Look, God’s got everything in His hands. Worrying won’t get me anywhere. Maybe it’s just where I’ve been able to finally get to a place I’ve been trying to reach for years, but I do really think I’ve learned more of contentment and letting myself…well, let go.

What's your philosphy?

God sacrificed everything for me and gave me this life to use for His glory. So that’s what I’m going to do—use my life for Him.

What is a place you want to visit?

My answer remains the same as last year. I’m a homebody. I don’t really like visiting places, and if I do, it’s for the people. Don’t get me wrong; I love mountains and forests However, if I go somewhere, it will be for the people.

How are you doing?

I’m doing well. A lot has happened and changed this year. Some of it has been amazing, while others have rocked my world in not so fun ways that I’m still dealing with. Life isn’t easy or always fun. But God’s always there with me through it all, so I’ve got nothing to worry about. In conclusion: I’m doing well.

What achievement are you proudest of?

For this year? Probably moving into my own apartment. I like the space, privacy, and being able to make the place mine. And the freedom. Only con is bills and missing my family. However, the pros outweigh the cons for me, and I’m enjoying it. (I wrote a blog post about my experience moving in. You can check that out here.)

What is one goal you want to reach by next year?

I’m not sure I really have a goal. Only thing I can think of is passing my pharmacy technician exam and getting nationally licensed. Other than that, I don’t know where I want to be in a year. Wherever the Lord takes me.

Last year, I said I wanted to have a steady source of income when this time came around. Looks like I’ve accomplished that…and it only took a few months to do so. For a few months, I was at Pizza Hut. Then I worked at Walmart, earning a full-time income but not doing a job I saw myself in for much longer. Now, I’m working in pharmacy. It’s stable income, good earning potential, and something I can see myself doing long-term. I think I’ve definitely reached last year’s goal.

Favorite memory from this year?

So much has happened. Nothing really stands out from the rest, but I think I’ll say time with my family. Not one specific time either. 😂

If you want to check out last year’s interview, head over here.

September 23, 2023September 23, 2023

My Disappearance From the Face of the Internet

About half a year ago, I dropped off the internet without much explanation. A lot of you reached out, asking what was going on and if I was okay. (Don’t worry; I was, and I am.) Anyway, I figured a formal explanation was long due, and I decided to make this out-of-nowhere blog post. Allow me to update you on aspects of my life….

Writing

A lot of you were surprised when I told you that I didn’t feel my life’s calling was writing. I’ve always felt it was a “right now, for now” thing. I never saw it as a career or something I wanted to do long-term. It was more of a hobby.

I still hold that opinion.

After getting a job, I found sitting down at night to reach my word count growing more and more difficult. The words that came out were barely worth keeping. Soon, they became nothing. I kind of let my WIP’s fall to the side, thinking “it’s okay, I’ll keep blogging, and when I’m ready to pick up writing again, I’ll get back to my WIP’s.”

I didn’t.

Rather, even my blogging fell behind track. I wasn’t writing quality content. Everything felt forced. I didn’t have the mental energy to spare. The difference between working full time and being able to write full-time was huge, and eventually I made the decision to take a break.

The relief was immense. Instead of staring at my computer screen every night, trying to force myself to write and feeling guilty hours later when nothing got done, I was able to relax after work, clear my head, and enjoy my free time. I put no limit to my break. As long as I didn’t want to write, I wasn’t going to do it. I would return when I couldn’t resist the pull…whenever that came.

To summarize: I am taking an indefinite break from writing.

Work

I moved to Walmart full-time. I’m only working one job now, and it’s way less stressful what I’d been doing before. I’ve been in OPD (online grocery pickup and delivery) for the past six months. It’s been all right. The job mainly consists of picking orders for people and taking the orders out to cars.

Each has its pros and cons. Picking is fun for a couple of hours, but after that it gets tiring for me. However, that’s only because I speed walk around the entire store and lift multiple totes (baskets of groceries) at once in order to better my pick rate. (They have a leaderboard for the store. The scanner device tracks how many groceries you pick per hour, and the top five people are shown on the leaderboard. I’ve ranked high the past few months…I feel pressured to keep first place and/or beat personal records.)

Dispensing can either be good or bad. I enjoy the work better, but the sun makes me avoid it, since I get heat exhaustion easily. (It’s actually common; numerous coworkers have gone home with heat exhaustion, headaches, and vomiting.) The work is also more physically laborious than picking. It consists of picking up totes, moving them around, organizing orders to take out, then taking the orders out to cars, unloading them, and bringing the empty totes and pallet back inside. I enjoy the work minus the sun. Most of the time, I get paired with one or two coworkers who I enjoy working with (because they actually work). Other times, I get stuck in a room full of people who do the bare minimum or play on their phones during downtime instead of prepping orders for the next hour. (Every hour, there’s a “rush” of delivery drivers.) When no one preps, each hour is ten times more stressful.

Other than that, I’m pulled into produce, stocking, and topstocking. Topstocking is my favorite job to do, since it’s the most easy on the body (although a lot of other people say climbing up and down the ladder is difficult for them). All it is is scanning items from topstock, bringing what I can down onto the shelves, and organizing topstock so it’s easy to find stuff later on. I get hyper-focused, and time flies by. Being my favorite job, it also happens to be the one I’m least able to do. Only when we have enough people on literally every other job (which rarely happens) can I topstock all day.

Walmart as a Workplace

It hasn’t been outstanding, but it also hasn’t been terrible. I’ve met some great coworkers. Work doesn’t drag by as slowly as it could. Overall, I’d say my experience is slightly above neutral. The work itself isn’t bad. It can be boring or tedious at times, but great coworkers and managers make time pass more quickly. It’s definitely a lot more sustainable of a job than fast food. (Hey, at least they’re not stealing your money here.)

However, I definitely feel more like a number. I feel disposable and unimportant—something that took a while to get used to. People don’t care if you’re there. Work is based on hours, not performance. No one’s looking up to me. Most of the time, I feel like a piece of machinery rather than an individual and a necessary part of a team. Disposable. Neither wanted nor discarded. But being just a number does have its perks. For one, I don’t have nearly as much responsibility and stress as I did at Pizza Hut. I just clock in and out, and managers take care of the rest. I get to have peace of mind, which means I can concentrate on my job and work without worrying that everything’s about to fall apart if I don’t keep tabs on it all.

Workplace Appreciation

I do feel like less of a number and more of a part of a team, now that I’ve been here half a year. People are friendly. I’m asked for advice from new associates. Managers actually recognize talent and hard work here, and they make you feel appreciated.

I’m grateful for my managers. It’s such a different workplace environment with the kind of people they are. Unlike at Pizza Hut, they’re responsible (for the most part), treat you like a person with worth, and are reasonable and fair. Justice is promoted. I don’t have to worry that they’re doing shady stuff in order to benefit themselves. There are set systems in place. Should anything arise, I have a peace of mind knowing that things will be handled in a straightforward, clear manner.

Managers and coworkers both seem to like me. I’m complimented on my hard work often, and our new TL (mid-level manager) told me that I’m a great associate, and he’s happy to have worked with me. I get called a number of names. From managers: “Little Missy” and “Sassy McSasserson.” From coworkers: “Hercules,” “Tokyo Drift,” and “Xena.” There’s others, but I can’t remember them all. (Keep in mind that most of these are used entirely jokingly.)

I was the “Happy to Help” associate for August! (Apparently the managers vote every month based on our attendance and attitude.) When our PL (HR person basically) walked me to the office in the backroom, I began wondering what I’d done wrong. You can imagine my surprise and relief when he handed me a box to open, only to reveal a trophy depicting my name on it. He then proceeded to lead me back out onto the salesfloor to take a picture. I’m still waiting for them to post it on Facebook so I can see what they wrote about me and admire how short I look in the picture, because I’m short, and the PL is really tall. 😆

Work Benefits

Walmart offers a whole bunch of benefits that Pizza Hut didn’t. Besides affordable insurance, they have both paid and unpaid breaks, a good system for calling out sick, paid time off, and free bakery items in the break room. Well, that last one only happens every so often. However, it’s nice to go to the break room and find a small treat. (It’s whenever the container gets broken in the freezer. They can’t sell the item anymore, but it’s also not bad, so we get to eat it.) Oh, and don’t forget guaranteed hours and a set schedule. No more staying up late at night begging managers to get the schedule out for the next day.

Pharmacy

I’m moving to pharmacy this month. I hadn’t planned on transferring this soon, wanting to wait until I’d moved (uh, into an apartment…we’ll get to that soon), but the job was kind of sprung upon me—in the nicest way possible of course.

Lead pharmacy tech comes into the break room, about to leave work. Sees me. The following questions occur rapidly:

“Do you have your high school diploma? Are you 18? Are you out of school? Do you work full time? Do you want to work in pharmacy?”

I answered yes to all, explaining that pharmacy was actually what I’d originally applied for, but they’d hired me for OPD instead. The lead tech gave me his phone number then left, saying he’d send me the instructions to get the job.

I’ve since gotten my pharmacy technician license. I sent my application to the Arkansas State Board of Pharmacy, got fingerprinted (for my criminal background check) at some DIY-looking gym in the middle of a patch of woods, and am getting my pharmacy “smock” soon. Latest I heard, I’m starting next week. Pay is the same as OPD. Disappointed at that aspect but that’s just what it is, and maybe I’ll like the work better.

Car

I wrote about it in my newsletter, but I don’t think I ever addressed it here. I got a car from my manager, Joe, at Pizza Hut. The car is older than me. Although it’s taken me to and from work without major problems, it hasn’t been acting the most reassuringly. It’s stalled out while idling, had trouble starting up, and done tiny weird noises at random times. I’ve done some repairs on it (well, my dad mainly. He helps me a lot with my car, which I’m very thankful for). Also, Joe works on cars as a side hobby, and he’s looked over mine. One part we changed fixed the main problem (stalling). The rest is to be determined. I’ve thought about financing a new car just to get away from the insecurity of driving something that could break down at any moment. I don’t drive that far every day though, and if something happens, I live close enough to work that I could figure something out.

I started driving maybe two years ago. I still don’t enjoy it, but it’s not nearly as anxiety-inducing as it was back then. To be fair, I do drive a tiny car as opposed to the huge truck I learned in, so that makes drive-throughs and Walmart parking lots a ton easier. Other than that, driving comes more naturally to me. I don’t have to remind myself to look both ways or check before merging. One thing still hasn’t changed though: I can’t talk and drive. Or sing and drive. Or listen to anything and drive. I must be fully concentrated. It probably won’t change, but that’s okay. As long as I’m aware of my weaknesses, I can stay safe.

Moving

I got an apartment. Well, I don’t have it yet, but I put down the application fee and deposit, and I’m on the waiting list, currently estimating October or November. (I’m guessing mid November.) I’m really excited about it. While it’s going to be more responsibility and money, I’m looking forward to the freedom. My parents still want me to live with them. They just bought a new house. They’re renovating it, and my mom told me that they’re still going to build the extra room for me that I can have all to myself “when I move back in.” (They haven’t given up hope. Admittedly, it’s very sweet and kind.)

The new house is its own story. I’ve only been there once, but basically they’re ripping out and replacing the flooring, doing stuff with plumbing and electric, and building more rooms and a hallway. Oh, they also moved the entire kitchen from upstairs to downstairs. They’ll also do cosmetic stuff like repainting. It’s a whole big process, and I can’t believe they’re doing it, since it seems scary to tear your new-old house apart to make it look new.

Finances

Since getting a job, I’ve been learning how to make, manage, and keep track of my money. I would say I’m pretty good with finances. My credit score is doing well, and I’ve found the best ways to spend money (getting cash back) and earn interest. I’ve researched a lot and gained a much better understanding of the bigger scope of things. I have yet to do my taxes this next year, but with tax tools online like Turbo Tax, it shouldn’t be that difficult.

I’ve learned to budget. Currently, I don’t have very many bills, but I know when I’m in my own place, I’ll be making a little above what my expenses will be, so it’s best to start good habits early. I try to keep my monthly grocery budget under $35 (about 20 meals). The ideal is $20. So far, so good, and I’ve leaned to cook a lot of things, including chicken—which I was admittedly scared of.

With moving out, I’m wanting to keep my upfront expenses low, while also thinking about the future. I’ve started making lists on the Walmart app with everything I’ll need (groceries, pantry items, cookware, cleaning supplies, etc.). Some things I’ve found I’m willing to compromise quality on, but others, I want things to last long, and I think the investment is worth it. The Walmart app allows you to build grocery lists which automatically calculate the total price. That’s been helpful with budgeting. It’s also helpful in finding the products which are the best deal. Overall, I’m actually really enjoying handling my finances. It gives me a sense of responsibility and accomplishment—especially when I’m able to find the most efficient or cost-effective ways of doing things.

Conclusion

So how am I doing? I’m doing good. I have ups and downs, but so far, everything’s been pretty smooth. I’ve come a long way in the past year, and so much has changed. I’m excited about getting my own place…like, really excited. I’m loving the cooler weather. I thank God especially when the skies are cloudy, and it’s drizzling. Life is good, God is good, I enjoy the people He’s put in my life, and He’s constantly teaching me more. We’ll see how things go. For now…

*vanishes again from the face of the internet*

March 15, 2023March 15, 2023

Marriage or Singleness?

Marriage or singleness? Children or not? Growing up, it’s been a question I’ve gotten a lot as I step out into the world to create a path of my own. I recently turned 18 and got a job. As such, this question is something that’s been on my mind more seriously than usual, as well as something I’ve been asked by more people than I’d expected.

Worldview

It really starts with my worldview. God is the center of mine. It’s Him I live for, Him who controls everything, and Him I trust above all else. Everything starts with the Lord. My goal in this life is to glorify Him. How that plays out from person to person, though, varies. For me, it’s loving with my life—being there for other people, showing compassion and forgiveness, being a light in the darkness. Of course, this mindset doesn’t dictate any particular lifestyle.

This life is temporary. Compared to the next—eternity—it’s but the blink of an eye. Soon, all of this will be gone. Jobs, money, fame—none of it will matter in the end. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to waste away my life on every whim and fancy that comes my way.

Jesus paid for my life with His. What He did is something I can never repay. It’s something I can’t even try to. However, out of the gratefulness in my heart, I live my life for Him, giving everything I have to follow the path He’s laid out for me—no matter how daunting it looks. The path isn’t clear. It’s blurry and hard and sometimes tedious. Every day comes with new choices of its own. In the moment, things may seem like a jumbled mess that I’m trapped in, but I do my best to live for the Lord. He’s planned everything out already; all I have to do is keep following.

So—marriage or singleness? My answer: I think the Lord will guide me. Things will happen in His timing. He’s got everything planned out, and I think He’ll show me what He wants me to do based on the open doors He gives me.

Preference

Of course, that doesn’t mean I don’t have a preference as to how I spend my earthly life. If you’d asked me a few years ago, I would have easily said marriage. I wanted the traditional American life. A house. A husband with a good job. Kids I could stay at home with and homeschool. However, as I’ve grown up and begun to interact with the world outside of my home, that preference has wavered. I’ve seen all kinds of lifestyles, met so many different people, and lived in one of the most unconventional ways. I’ve seen how God can work through all kinds of circumstances. Every lifestyle has its own difficulties and joys. Each person fits differently into different situations.

And thus, things weren’t so black and white anymore.

Pros and Cons

Being the practical thinker I am, I first like to weigh the pros and cons of my options.

Marriage is difficult. Relationships are challenging. Children are a huge commitment. Out of the two options (marriage and singleness), marriage is the most difficult and probably most stressful option. It requires a ton of growth and sacrifice, and it isn’t a comfortable or easy path of life. However, there are many joys and rewards that do come along with it. It’s a life of extreme highs and lows.

Singleness is “easier” in a sense. There’s a lot more flexibility and freedom in it. If you don’t want to change or grow, there (usually) isn’t someone to push you to do so. There’s more control involved, and you can pretty much do what you want to do, when you want to do it. Your time and energy is yours to decide how you want to spend it.

Singleness

Getting a job has made me realize just how much of a blessing singleness can be. I’ve also seen how the Lord can use it for His glory. I have ultimate flexibility and freedom—at least something pretty close. I can work almost any hours, get almost any job in my area, and choose how I spend my free time however I want. I have the ability to make choices almost unhindered by anything in my personal life, and I’m able to choose who and what I prioritize.

Marriage

However, marriage is still something I hope for. I’d like to have a husband. I’d like to raise my own kids. I’d like to be a stay-at-home mom who homeschools, and I’d love to be a homemaker. And while marriage is on the plate of things I’d like to do with my life (along with having children), I’m fully trusting the Lord to guide me where He can best use me. My preference on how I live out this earthly life is with a family of my own. However, if the Lord has other plans, I’m up for that. Ultimately, I want what he wants, but I’m leaning slightly more toward marriage than anything else.

Living It Out

I’m not going to search out marriage; I’m not going to try to look for a partner. I’m trusting the Lord with His plan, and I think He’ll show me what He wants me to do in His timing. If He wants me to love with my life through work or friends, I’ll gladly do that. If He wants me to do the same through a family of my own, I’ll be more than happy to.

So I guess what I’m saying is that it’s not my decision. Yes, I have choices in my day-to-day life, but I’m not actively pursuing one or the other. I’m living by faith and trusting God with the rest. I’m trusting Him to draw out the path. No, it’s not very clear at times. No, it’s not always easy. But because of the love He’s shown me, I’ll follow Him to the ends of the world.

January 18, 2023January 19, 2023

Growing Up

For the past few years, I’ve had a nervous excitement about growing up. Freedom, opportunity, and decision all come with becoming an adult, and to most young minds, it’s something to look forward to. For me, it was definitely that. I wanted to be in control of my life. I wanted to know what it was like to make decisions for myself, control my relationships, have a job, do taxes, and pay bills. (I know, maybe I’m weird for those last ones, but I consider myself a pessimistic realist.)

Background

Trigger warning: If hearing about mental issues, depression, suicide, etc. upsets you, you might want to skip this section.

For the prior four or five years, I’d felt trapped in a cycle where I wasn’t able to grow. I woke up, ate, did school, and went to bed. On weekends, we’d do something outside like hiking or seeing someone we knew, and then the cycle repeated itself. I went through the week waiting for the weekends, then spent the fleeting weekends worrying about the week days. (I never enjoyed school. In fact, you could probably say I dreaded it. The days got even more tedious when I was put in charge of helping my youngest brother with his homework.) I was finding joy in temporary, worldly things. My joy was not in the Lord.

From the outside, I had the perfect life. I had two loving parents, traveled the country in an RV, got to visit all kinds of places, got to see relatives and friends in different parts of the US, and was homeschooled (ultimate flexibility). For many people, my life was their dream. And to be fair, there were points where I was genuinely, 100 percent happy. Sadly, however, that was rarely the case. From the outside, I seemed poised and put together. Inside, it was chaos.

It started off small—the “I don’t likes” of my new lifestyle. I felt plucked out of my prior, “stable” house life. I never knew when we’d move or where we’d end up next, and I hated not knowing where we were going until we were either driving to the place or already there. I missed the church we’d been at prior—even though I hadn’t really had any connections there. In fact, my first (and only, at the time) deeper relationships as a Christian pulled away right before we left for the road. That really devastated me.

However, it gets a lot deeper. I was a new believer, and I was struggling with my faith. Add on the conflicts of being the firstborn and a new teen (wanting more independence) and all the ridiculousness that comes along with that, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. My relationship with the Lord was not solid. At that point, I didn’t even know what being a Christian was supposed to look like. I was more on the side of “religious” than “relational.” I was so confused, as well as battling some personal issues, and I just wanted a loving, emotionally-available person to help guide me and talk through things with me without judgement. *facepalm* If only I’d been able to give that role to Jesus. But I guess that’s why I went through more than four years of the same trial. *heavy sigh* Eventually, I learned, but in took bringing me to rock bottom for me to finally relinquish control. I felt trapped, alone, and lost. Mostly just alone.

I’d say this was the lowest point in my life. I was crying myself to sleep almost every night, taking out my frustration and emotions in ways that weren’t healthy or beneficial to the rest of my family, and distracting myself from my problems with books and food. I wasn’t leaning on God. Sure, I prayed and cried out to Him, but I was mainly doing everything else listed above. I’m actually really surprised how important food became to me during that time. It consumed my thoughts to the point that I was fasting to try to get rid of my addiction/idolatry of it, but in the end, I was treating a symptom, not the root.

There was a lot I was holding onto that I needed to let go of. I had so many bottled-up emotions and bitterness inside of me, and I had to learn to forgive…and forgive…and forgive. It was exhausting. It hurt. I was going through the transition of thinking adults know it all and I should follow blindly to realizing that I should actually think for myself; the Lord gave me my own mind and wants to have a personal relationship with me. He wants to know me, not some emotionless robot version of myself. There’s definitely a balance between taking the wisdom of older people and thinking for yourself, and it took me forever to find it.

I learned by trial and error. When I say it hurt, it hurt. My heart got broken multiple times. I was betrayed in my most vulnerable moments, and after years of irrationally expecting humans to react perfectly to my problems, I started to realize I couldn’t put my faith in humanity. (Lol this sounds depressing, but please try to get my point.) It took the Lord breaking me—many, many times—to bring me to realize that my trust needs to ultimately be in Him. People are going to fail me. Everyone is flawed. I need to use judgement in my relationships—no matter how close I am to the person—because the Lord is the only one I’ll ever be able to open up to fully and unabashedly. I need to take responsibility in every relationship. That includes guarding my mouth and heart and using discernment to know how to approach situation—not expecting the other person to act perfectly just because they’re “older” or “more experienced.”

It felt like the trial lasted forever, and honestly, it never really just ended. There were ups and downs and many plateaus. At times, things got so tough, I probably wouldn’t be alive if the Lord hadn’t protected me. I was so tempted to just throw in the towel and be done with everything. I think the one thing that kept me going was knowing that it would be dishonoring to the Lord if I did so. I couldn’t feel the Lord’s presence half the time, but I knew He was with me. Giving up would have been giving in to the devil’s lies.

Things got really intense over the course of maybe two years. I had a lot of false ideals and thoughts that I needed to stop fighting for, and once I started to surrender them to the Lord, things got way easier. About two years ago, my relationship with God really deepened. He became so much closer to me. Although I still struggled with things, my faith in Him became so much stronger, and He was able to use everything I was going through to draw me nearer to Himself. I began to see His hand in everything. Knowing He had me in the palm of His hand, even as waves thundered down upon me—being able to let go amidst it all and know He’s in complete control—was so relieving. Finally, about half a year ago, the Lord removed the trial.

*moment of silence for the Lord’s goodness*

Those years were so difficult. My faith and beliefs were tested in ways that almost killed me, but the Lord was steadfastly faithful. Even if I could rewind time, I wouldn’t change a thing. Because of that period of my life, I know the Lord’s love, mercy, and faithfulness in a way I never would have without going through what I did. He increased so much more in my life, and I decreased.

My Old View of Growing Up

Wow! That got really deep and personal 😅 I did not ever plan to write about that on my blog. It kind of just came out, and now I guess I’ll just leave it out there as a testimony to the Lord’s goodness.

Trigger warning safe spot (Nothing triggering here; welcome back!)

Anyway, now that we’re done with that whole story (which I hope can encourage you if you’re going through something similar), let’s connect it to how it affected my idea of growing up.

To start off, I wanted to grow up in order to escape that particular trial. I wanted control. I didn’t want to have to be in the vulnerable position I was in any longer. For me, growing up meant freedom. Freedom to find my identity in Christ—on my own (going back to the realizing I can think for myself thing). Freedom to manage my own relationships. Freedom to serve Christ in the way I felt He was calling me to.

As a realistic—and pessimistic—person, I knew growing up wouldn’t be easy. And it’s not. It’s not easy at all. Trying to figure out what you want to do with your life in the span of a few years—careers, jobs, families—is stressful. All of a sudden, there are a hundred different pressures on you that weren’t there before, and you have over a thousand options to choose from. It doesn’t make it any easier that basic necessities like housing and transportation cost a ton and are complicated attain.

(Note my use of past tense. You’ll understand why soon.)

For me, I knew where I wanted to be in five years. I had a basic idea of how I wanted to live, as well as several interests that I wanted to pursue. I had a goal, and I wanted to make sure I got there.

However, things weren’t going according to plan (my plan, to be exact). Circumstances dictated that I wouldn’t be able to do what I wanted to do, and because I wasn’t ready to let my plans drop, I was constantly worrying about my life. It may sound silly to some of you, but I was stressing about my possible future failures of measuring up to my goals, as if they were already happening. (One example of this is how I want to be a mom. I took where I was at, looked at my circumstances, and got depressed because things weren’t heading toward my goal.) As someone who is always pushing herself to do better, reach the next milestone, and keep climbing, I was putting a ton of pressure on myself to do things I wasn’t able to do in the moment. Of course, that didn’t help anything. It was all a very stressful, confusing ordeal.

The World

Growing up seems like something that most—if not all—young adults struggle with. It’s rare that I meet someone my age who isn’t worried about their life. In fact, I’ve even met adults in their late 20’s and early 30’s who are stressing about where they’re at. As time went on, and I saw just how many people were in the same boat as me, I started to realize something else—or rather, a question popped into my head.

How much of my fears and anxieties were from the Lord? How much of it was actually helping me to get anywhere? The answer to these questions were, one, none of it was from the Lord, and two, my worrying was getting me nowhere. Instead, all I was doing was hindering my walk with the Lord. I made things a lot more difficult than they had to be, and I caused myself to be hopeless and joyless, because of my despondent viewpoint.

God is in Control

“Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. (Matthew 6:31–33)

Every human being on planet earth worries. It’s in our nature to do so. However, in this verse, Jesus says it’s what the Gentiles (“world,” when put into context) does. The world is anxious about every day. The world seeks money and food first above God.

In these verses, Jesus is basically saying to be unlike the world. Stop worrying about the future, and trust that He will provide for you. Now, of course that doesn’t mean sit at home and eat chips and watch TV all day. For me, this means that I need to seek to do the Lord’s will above all else, and He will provide everything I need.

He doesn’t promise it will be easy. He doesn’t promise I’ll have the time of my life trusting Him. We live in a fallen world, and as such, nothing will be perfect. It may very well be difficult and painful. However, my Lord died for me. I love Him above all else, and I will gladly do whatever He asks of me. Plus, He’s my heavenly Father. He knows exactly what I need. He knows what’s best for me. Time and time again, He’s shown His perfect love and understanding in the way my circumstances work out, and I’ll never be able to fully comprehend His amazing goodness. (Did that sound like a fried chicken ad or something? )

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

Perspective

So how do I live this out?

First of all, I need to be content. *sigh* Contentment is so difficult— especially when I have a list in my head of everything I want my life to be. I want to be a wife and mom. I want to live independently for a year or two. Right now, it doesn’t look like either of those things will be happening. However, circumstances can (and most likely will) change. As an author, I know how fun it is to throw plot twists at my characters. How much more will God, the ultimate author and writer of all our stories, but also a loving father who cares deeply for His children, do the same? I don’t think I’ve gone more than five years without something in my life drastically changing. It doesn’t mean I depend on the change. It’s just that I know anything could happen, and until then, I’m content waiting on the Lord’s timing.

I think contentment means surrendering to God’s will—putting Him first above my wants and desires. His timing and plan is perfect. I need to trust in full faith that He has me where He wants me at the moment. When he wants me to move on, He’ll show me the way. Remember how I said trusting Him to provide doesn’t mean sitting at home and eating chips all day? (I mean, unless that’s truly what you think the Lord wants you to do. In that case, go all in XD) For me, trusting Him means seeking Him out and following where I think He’s trying to lead me.

“And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.” (Hebrews 11:6)

God stresses faith so much. Without faith (as stated above), it’s impossible to please Him. We were created to live for His glory, and thus, He shows His children how He wants them to live. Now, this doesn’t mean He has one set of rules and wants everyone to live cookie cutter lives. No, in fact, He has created so many diverse stories, and each person is unique, so that what one person does in full faith, another may not be able in faith at all.

For me, following in faith means being content with where I’m at now, and if He opens doors or opportunities for me, I’ll follow. If something unexpected comes up, I’ll take it as His way of telling me, “Here, I want you to do this.” Until He shuts those doors, I’ll keep going down those new paths and trusting that that’s where He wants me. He also works through my desires, and it’s kind of the same thing as the doors. I’ll pursue things, and if they work out, then great! I’ll take it as a yes. (Things like applying for jobs, for example. I’m didn’t wait for Pizza Hut to find and approach me with a job offer. I wanted to get a job. Thus, I applied and ended up getting it.) If things consistently don’t work out, I’ll take it as a no.

Conclusion

Learning contentment and trusting that God will lead me where He wants me to go has made life a lot easier. Instead of being anxious and depressed all the time, I’m able to trust that He’s working everything out. (Not saying I don’t worry; I definitely still do a bunch of that.) Ultimately, He’s in control. Even more amazingly, every time I give him more of my trust, He rewards it—whether that be in the small things in my daily life, or in the overarching story of everything.

The Lord is good, and the Lord is faithful. Things may not look perfect in the moment, but sometimes I just need to hang in there and wait for His timing.

December 21, 2022December 20, 2022

Same Interview, The First Year

After stumbling across famous people doing the same interview every year, I decided to steal some of their questions and do an interview of my own—in written form. Some questions are fun, some thought provoking, and others informational. I thought it would be a good way to self reflect, as we are coming to the end of another year. Ready to dive in?

How old are you?

What advice would you give yourself a year from now?

Keep going. You’ve got this, and even if you don’t, God’s got you.

What advice would you give yourself a year ago?

Trust the Lord. You may be confused and lost and hurt, but He’s working everything out for your good.

What's your biggest regret?

Not understanding as much as I do now when I was younger. I know that’s just the way life works, but things could’ve been a lot easier if I’d known more. (In all honesty, I don’t really have regrets. Mistakes are a part of life. Without them, there isn’t any growth.)

What is the biggest thing you've learned?

Trust in God. He has complete control over anything, and I really don’t need to be worrying all the time (not saying I don’t).

How would you define your style in three words?

Comfy, Black, Unusual

What is the most important thing in your life to you right now?

Serving the Lord.

Okay, I know that’s too basic of an answer, so here’s an alternative one: figuring out where my life is headed. I have many things I want to accomplish. I have many things I want to experience. I’m confused and all over the place, but I know God has already planned out my future. I’m just waiting for Him to make it clear what He wants me to pursue. On a more specific note, however, trying to finish my four WIP’s.

How do you define success, and do you think you've reached it?

People usually define success as fame, money, and power. However, that’s not how I see things. For me, success is having an impact on people’s lives—being able to change someone’s life for the better. I don’t think I’ve reached that point yet, and to be honest, I don’t think I ever can or will. At what point will I think it’s enough? God has called me to a lifetime of glorifying him. I think success is when I reach heaven and he tells me, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

What is one thing you're struggling with?

Relationships. Just…what are relationships supposed to be as a Christian? I know we are to serve, love, and uplift one another, but how does that play out in real life? Currently, all of my relationships (outside of my immediate family) are online. It’s a whole new level of challenging. You can’t do things together, be there physically for each other, have in person, real-time conversations, or any of that stuff you normally do to get to know someone. Plus, everyone is different. Learning to love each person individually is a learning curve and sometimes tricky. There’s also a whole layer of stuff I’m not getting to, but yeah…relationships.

Biggest thing to happen to you this year?

So much has happened this year. However, I’ve got to say getting a phone. The internet has allowed me to grow exponentially in my writing and understanding of the outside world, and I’ve gotten to meet people I never would have otherwise. Getting a phone made everything way easier. It’s been so helpful to me both personally and in relation to my writing journey, and the connections I’ve made I hope will last for many years to come.

Do you feel pressure?

Yes, immense pressure. Mostly coming from myself. I’m really pushing myself to be in a specific place (both life and writing wise) by a certain time. I’ve been working on just laying everything in the Lord’s hand and trusting him with the process. However, as a very self motivated and driven person, I often pressure myself to get things done, taking the fun out of things. Again, this is something I’ve been working on. The Lord has been teaching me a lot about this recently, and I’m grateful for the amount of pressure He has lifted off of me.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

What's your philosphy?

The Lord is writing the world’s story, and everything and everyone is here for a purpose. Glorify Him in everything, and strive to do what you believe He is calling you to do.

What is a place you want to visit?

I’m not big on traveling (says the person who traveled in an RV for years). I’m actually a homebody, and the max “visiting” I like to do is going for day trips to do something out in nature. Thus, my answer is…a hike nearby?

How are you doing?

😃😫😭😜😟😬 Did that sum it up well enough?
Honestly, I don’t know how I’m doing. Stressed and confused are big ones, but there’s also excitement and joy. Life is a journey, and I’m definitely going through it.

What achievement are you proudest of?

I got an editor for my historical fiction book. That’s one of my proudest achievements, but then there’s also the fact that I did NaNoWriMo.

What is one goal you want to reach by next year?

I want to have a steady source of income by this time next year. I’m about 30% sure it will happen, though. Maybe even that’s a stretch.

Favorite memory from this year?

My time with my friend Maya (whom we visit about once a year). I love her. She’s a great friend 😊

December 7, 2022December 7, 2022

I Finished NaNoWriMo

I actually did it! In 23 days, I wrote 50k words of a brand new novel! It was a grueling, tedious process, but in the end, I’m happy with my progress. How was it? Let’s jump right into that.

Day One

For day one, I stayed up the night before writing blog posts and newsletters for the entire month of November. Once the clock struck midnight, I started writing. I was tired, but I managed to get 1.3k in before going to sleep. I finished the rest when I woke up.

I should also explain that I am a high achiever and like to push myself way too much. Thus, I set a goal of 2k words per day, just in case I ended up not being able to write every day. I also told myself I couldn’t count the thousands of words I was putting into my blog, job applications, IG, and emails. (Some of them were super long.) Spoiler alert: I wrote an average of 2k+ per day. I also finished on the 23rd instead of the 30th.

NaNoWriMo Writing

The first two weeks were probably the easiest. Spirits were high, the novelty was still there, and excitement was in the air. Over the course of 14 days, I got about 31k in—not at all bad for a first-time NaNo’er.

Then, the midway slump hit. Day 15 came around, and I was feeling really tired of writing (as opposed to just kind of tired). I was having issues with my outline, and I didn’t feel “into” my story anymore. However, I kept going through it day by day, reminding myself that I just needed 2k.

I Won NaNoWriMo

And then the 23rd rolled around. I never wake up at 5 am. However, morning came, and instead of seeing it was still early and going back to sleep, I decided to get up and write. Might have had something to do with the fact that there was only 3k left to reach my goal.

At first, I wasn’t sure if I’d finish NaNo that day. I’d spent some time posting on my blog and social media, as well as sending out a newsletter, and by dinner, I only had 2k (as opposed to the 3k I’d hoped to achieve). I then debated whether I should sprint to the end or save it for the next day.

I chose to sprint.

I was excited, and I was writing a good scene, so by 9 pm, I’d reached 50k. It didn’t feel real at first. I was only 40% or so through the first draft, so it also didn’t feel right. However, after telling a few people and looking at the 16 chapters I had in Google Docs, I felt somewhat accomplished. Honestly, it was kind of underwhelming. (Plus, there’s an outline situation going on, but we won’t get into that.)

My Experience + Burn Out

First of all, I knew what I was getting into when I jumped into the challenge. I knew it would be grueling, tedious work, and I knew I would probably get burnt out—and I did, to some extent.

However, I didn’t entirely get burnt out. Even though I’d done a more manageable version of NaNo a few months back (1.5k every week day) which made me feel dead afterwards, I didn’t get burnt out like before. Instead, I feel rejuvenated in some sort of way. And you know whom I have to thank for that?

1. The Lord. Obviously. Without Him, I wouldn’t have been able to do this (or anything for that matter).

2. The friend I did NaNoWriMo with. He’s been so encouraging and such a pleasure to talk to, and it made November a lot easier. Adam, if you’re reading this, thank you. I don’t know if I could’ve done as well as I did without you. You made every chunk of writing something to look forward to, and seeing your example of consistency throughout your (much crazier) life made me want to grow in that area…and just your less worried, more positive outlook on things. You’re writing style is awesome👌I can’t wait to see more of it!

3. Jessica (@a.faith.so.strong) and our wonderful email chats. The emails are long and sometimes go into great depth. Most people would be horrified by the amount of questions I ask, but Jessica and I have this in common, so everything works out perfectly. Love you, Jessica! *hugs*

4. The young Christian writer community on Instagram. I know some of you are reading this, so I’ll thank you again. You guys have held me accountable and made every day of NaNo exciting. You have cheered me on and celebrated milestones with me, and on those days when I felt like giving up and going to sleep, I knew I had to update my word count, and it couldn’t look pitiful

5. And of course, my family. They tried to give me as much time as possible for my writing. Even when I was feeling stressed out and grumpy from difficult writing days, they were kind to me and gave me my space. Thank you, guys.

Conclusion

In conclusion, NaNoWriMo was stressful, tedious, and sometimes tiring, but every day was filled with laughter, surprises, and fun. I’m thankful I took up the challenge. However, I don’t plan on attending again.

*remembers every time I told myself I was done writing, and a new book idea popped into my head and nagged me until I wrote it*

If you did NaNoWriMo, how was your experience? Did you reach your goal? Tell me in the comments, because I’d love to hear about it!

November 30, 2022November 30, 2022

Never Have I Ever: Writer Edition

Today is going to be a fun post! After stumbling across Liesl Brunner’s tag challenge post, I decided to do it myself. This is never have I ever—writer edition.

The Rules

Link and thank the blogger who tagged you. Thanks, Liesl! Here’s her post.
Include the graphic somewhere in the post (or make your own!)
Answer the questions truthfully and honestly.
Tag 3 bloggers.

Never have I ever...

...started a novel I didn't finish

Totally. I used to do this a lot, but I’ve gotten better recently. I think I’ve learned to outline and plan ahead (strengthening my concept) before starting to draft. There are at least two handwritten drafts of books I’ve never finished in the trash.

...written a story completely by hand

Those of you who know me know the answer to this one. I didn’t have technology or computers to assist me in my writing until I was 13. I think I wrote six complete stories by hand, and some of these I actually published later on.

...changed tenses midway through a story

Whenever I try to write in first-person present tense, it always turns into past tense. I think this is because I don’t read books written in present tense (though I’d love to).

...not researched anything before starting a story

Yes, especially when I was younger. I just used my imagination and went off writing whatever came to mind. Never mind the fact that nothing sounded realistic.

...changed my protagonist’s name halfway through a draft

I haven’t done this for any main characters, but I’ve done it for side ones. In fact, for The Jewish Baby, I changed a side character’s name after completing the final self edit, because someone had pointed out that two of my characters’ names were very similar.

...written a story in a month or less

Do short stories that are one page long count? Because I’ve done these in a couple of hours for school assignments.

...fallen asleep while writing

Five percent of the time. Whenever I hit a slow part and start trying to think up ideas, I fall asleep. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I write in my bed in the dark. Lucid dreams are cool, guys. I have to admit that mine don’t usually make any sense, and nothing from them ever ends up in the book. Still….

...corrected someone’s grammar irl/online

My brothers. It’s automatic. If you say “much” instead of “many,” it’s almost guaranteed I will correct you. Online, however, I don’t. I know people have pet peeves about this.

...yelled in all-caps at myself in the middle of my novel

What? Who wrote this question? Now I need to go back and figure out who’s crazy enough to do this 😉

...used “I’m writing” as an excuse

No. My family doesn’t take excuses. Writing is a hobby, and chores are priority. However, if I’m given a choice between writing and something else, sometimes I’ll pick writing.

...killed a character that was based on someone I know in real life

Yes. I’m currently working on a book where lots of people die. Since most of my characters are loosely based off of people I know, this has definitely happened a few times

...used pop culture references in a story

I don’t write contemporary (yet, at least), so it’s nearly impossible to incorporate pop culture into my stories. I also prefer not to if possible, just because it could outdate the novel, and I don’t have much pop culture knowledge anyway.

...written between the hours of 1:00 am and 6:00 am

Yes. If I wake up in the middle of the night and have a flash of inspiration, I will write until I’m satisfied I haven’t forgotten anything. Besides, I’m a night owl and have tons of creative energy around night time and when I wake up.

For NaNoWriMo, I stayed up through the AM’s almost every day. I usually went to bed around 12, but on weekends and days we went places, I stayed up anywhere from 1 am to 2 am.

...drank an entire pot of coffee while writing

I don’t like coffee. The end.

...written down dreams to use in a potential novel

Not written them down, but I have used dreams as inspiration for scenes or concepts in my books. One crazy dream actually became the whole premise of my Fire Trials trilogy. Check it out in more depth here.

...published an unedited story on the internet/blog/wattpad

Embarrassing story: I published seven semi-edited books on KDP, effectively ruining my reputation as an author. Sales dropped from 50 to 0 a week pretty quickly. They’re still up there. However, I discourage people from reading them unless they’re prepared to read a book that sounds like it was written by a young teenager (because it was).

...procrastinated schoolwork because I wanted to write

I was homeschooled, and so this was both easy and not looked down on to do. Whenever the flash of inspiration or that perfect scene pops into my head, I have to write it

...typed so long my wrists hurt

I’ve done this writing, crocheting, knitting, and pretty much anything else that involves my hands. I tend not to stop until I’m satisfied with my progress.

...spilled a drink on my laptop while writing

Nooo. My mom would never. In fact, drinks aren’t even allowed on the table when computers are out. Did I mention that I write in my bed? Yeah, and drinks are never allowed in my bed.

...forgotten to save my work/draft

I write on my Kindle (most of the time) with an app that crashes (all the time). I have lost pages of progress due to this. Let me tell you, the feeling of your heart dropping into your stomach is real. I’ve learned to hit “save” every sentence or so.

Edit: I now write on my computer and phone, using apps that are of much better quality. They also have autosave. Autosave is a real lifesaver.

...finished a novel

Yes! And I’m happy about it.

...laughed like an evil villain while writing a scene

In my head. I love putting my characters through things I’d never wish upon a real person. In fact, this is where a lot of my joy in writing comes from. Isn’t it fun to be the lord of an entire world and its subjects?

...cried while writing a scene

I don’t explicitly remember, but I think I have. Once. And only a tear or two.

...created maps of my fictional world

Whenever I know I will mess up my traveling descriptions, I make a map. I don’t want to publish a book just to have a reader tell me the technicalities of what I wrote. (“Earlier, you said that was there. How can these two things be in the same place?” “Wasn’t she supposed to go that way?”)

...researched something shady for a novel

Definitely. Ways to kill people, ways to die from explosions, toxic plants, deadly illnesses—I could go on and on. If I became a suspect for murder, my search history would incriminate me.

Conclusion

I hope you guys enjoyed this (longish) post. What do you think of these questions and answers? Leave your comments down below. As always, happy reading, everyone!

November 23, 2022November 23, 2022

Homeschool Likes and Regrets

Homeschool was an interesting experience. Over the years, I’ve seen many forms of education—public schools, private schools, homeschool, homeschooling plus co-op, and there’s probably more. I am a recent high school graduate, and I have never done school with anyone other than my three younger brothers, much less stepped foot in a public school. There’s so much out there, and each form of education has it’s own pros and cons. In this blog post, I’ll be sharing things I liked about being homeschooled, as well as my regrets.

Pro #1: Flexibility

I was homeschooled in the most isolated manner possible. (Is that correct wording?) There were no field trips, no schedule that required me going anywhere, and no co-ops to go to. If I had a presentation, I delivered it to the five other people in my family.

Given all this, you can probably imagine how flexible my schedule was. I loved it. I could complete things on my own timing, stay home all the time, and not have to interact with a single soul outside of my house if I didn’t want. If I wanted to do something fun, or we were visiting friends (which happened occasionally), I could just do my homework at another time. My mom set deadlines and expected me to finish by a certain time of course, but being homeschooled allowed me ultimate flexibility.

Pro #2: Promotion of Life Skills

Independent/critical thinking skills, time management, prioritization skills, and autonomy—homeschooling taught me all of these things. Our curriculum was big on making us think and make decisions for ourselves. I’ll give you one example.

For English, I didn’t just write book reports and essays on things I’d read about in History. Instead, I was given a lot of creative writing assignments that forced me to think for myself on subjective topics in order to form an opinion. Instead of just writing facts and compiling evidence, I was being taught critical thinking skills. I learned how to think, not what to think.

Other than that, just the setup of homeschool made me learn other life skills. Our curriculum was mostly student-led. Over the years, it slowly became more and more independent, until I was doing almost everything on my own. This forced me to develop time management and prioritization skills, and it also helped me become the autonomous person I am today. (I work the best on my own, and I am good at managing myself.)

Pro #3: Influence

My parents were able to control how I was being influenced in school. There are two major components in this: worldview and the people I was around.

My homeschool curriculum was a faith-based one. It taught me from a Christian point of view, and besides Bible verses and stuff like that, I was given solid, scientific evidence proving my faith and setting it apart from other religions and worldviews. One of the things that sticks out the most to me is how much scientific and logical evidence I was given. I learned how science points to creation (not evolution), and it helped strengthen my faith (not that I needed it; it was just helpful to me).

The other area of influence that my parents were able to control is who I was around all day. For most public schoolers, they’re around other children their age, all day, five days a week. You’ve probably heard the saying that you are who you’re around. Since children are so easily influenced, being surrounded by other people your age isn’t the most helpful in allowing you to mature. I had almost zero interaction with other children my age, and when it did happen, it was under the supervision of my parents. For this, I am grateful. I was able to grow a lot more and learn from the adults I was around. I could have cultivated a selfish, arrogant, rebellious attitude, but being around more mature people helped me to see the bigger picture and learn to view others in a respectful, open-minded manner.

On the flip side, not being around other people does have its disadvantages. We’ll get into that later.

Pro #4: Everything Was Easy

Okay, physics, chemistry, and pre-calc weren’t easy whatsoever. I just mean that compared to most people in school, I had it easy. I had little homework that usually lasted two or three hours a day, and my mom didn’t give me many tests or expect me to get the best grades possible. Actually, I didn’t have grades. My mom just corrected my stuff and had me do things again if they were wrong (in math).

As for graduation, I graduated in Texas. Texas is one of the most free states concerning education. You aren’t required to file reports, take state tests, or anything like that. Instead (for homeschoolers), you’re just expected to learn reading, spelling, grammar, mathematics, and good citizenship. Science isn’t even required. (We did it though 😢) To graduate—well, it’s up to the parents to decide when the child meets graduation requirements. I didn’t have to do any tests to graduate. I just made a diploma on Canva and called it a day (I promise this is the only paragraph you’ll see emojis in.)

Regret #1: Social Skills

My social skills aren’t the best. Sure, I’m fine if the other person is an extravert, but you don’t want to see me in a one-on-one with another quiet person. My social skills used to be even worse (no eye contact, fidgeting, anxiety, awkward pauses, etc.), and the only reason they’re passable now is because I’ve forced myself to interact with uncomfortable situations and get out of my shell. I still struggle with anxiety, fidgeting, and awkward pauses, but I think I’m getting better.

Another aspect of the social skills thing is the fact that I don’t know how to deal with people very well. On the internet, it’s a breeze. I’m perfectly fine with confrontation, and I’m able to understand context well, because I can read and re-read what people are saying, as well as thoroughly think out what I’ll say before I say it. In person is another story.

Technically, I know what I should be doing and saying, but I seem to either go from extremely blunt to non confrontational. I struggle to find a balance, and getting what I really mean out is a challenge. It’s a lot easier on paper (or behind the safety of my computer screen). I think the issue is my self-consciousness, but once I get past this, none of this will be a problem (or at least I hope so).

Regret #2: No Friends

I’ve never really had friends. There were kids I hung out with on the occasional weekend because my parents liked their parents, but other than that, there was no one I actually chose or got really close to. *sees Maya looking at me with a furrowed brow* Okay, there are maybe two people, but still, I didn’t choose them (but I love them).

This sort of goes back to the social skills thing. Since I’ve never really hung out with people my age, I find it difficult to make friends. I’ve pretty much only been around adults. On one hand, it allowed me to mature quickly, but on the other hand, I don’t have much in common with people my age, and I find their interests boring. In addition to this, I’ve never gotten to go through relationship issues. (Everyone looking at me like “why is she complaining about not having issues?”) Okay, look you guys. I’m just afraid that when it really matters, I won’t know how to deal with situations properly.

Regret #3: Extracurricular Activities

As a homeschooled, non government funded person, there were no extracurricular activities to participate in. On one hand, yes, I love staying inside all day every day and not having to interact with anyone. On the other hand, I like acting and dance, and maybe I would’ve done it if I’d had the chance. Maybe. (It’s a big maybe.)

Summary

Um…yeah. So as you can see, the pros far outweigh the cons. If you take a closer look, you’ll see that there are actually five pros (with one disguised as a con) and only one con. The last regret doesn’t even count.

So in summary: I’m super happy I was homeschooled! The way it was structured fits my personality well, and I wouldn’t change anything if I could. I consider myself a blessed person—no matter how much I complained about physics and pre-calc.

October 12, 2022October 12, 2022

I Took My Road Test

I’ve had my driving permit for about a year and a half now. I got it in Texas with Aiden (who was 15 at the time), and since then, I’ve been practicing driving on and off. Driving has been a journey. There have been ups and downs, and while Aiden grew more and more comfortable driving to bike trails and parks, I mostly avoided it.

Learning in a big truck

Getting used to our truck and being able to position it where I wanted it to go took a while. I would say this was the most difficult part of the process, and I actually still struggle with it to this day. Parking and making my way through a tight area are my least favorite parts of driving.

Once I got a handle on the basics of steering, I moved onto the road. Everything suddenly got ten times scarier, and I had to learn not to panic or worry so much about other drivers. (Of course, I still need to be aware of my surroundings; I just have a tendency to switch into panic mode if other vehicles are around me.)

My first accident

In Ohio, I needed to make a U-turn on a two-lane street. I pulled forward into a driveway, got nervous, and backed out quickly without watching what I was doing. I ended up crashing into a guardrail, effectively damaging (slightly) the bumper of our truck. I waited months before getting behind the wheel again. Thus began my on and off driving journey.

Driving in San Antonio

After a while, I finally allowed myself to drive again. Note that I am not saying this was a good itdea. On the contrary, I should have learned from my mistake and kept going. My dad said it was like training a new driver all over again.

Anyway, it wasn’t long before I made another mistake. While in the busy city of San Antonio, I needed to make a right turn and merge all the way over multiple lanes. Over a short distance. Right before a traffic light. I turned and proceeded to merge without checking each lane. A minivan came from behind and narrowly missed me. Again, I took a break from driving.

More merging trouble

When I began driving again, it was mostly when we were going to NPS sites and traveling in non crowded places. However, one time while making a left turn onto the highway, I didn’t check the lane I was turning into. A truck was driving in the lane, and as it was a highway, the speed limit was fast. My dad had to tell me to stay in the center turning lane.

After that incident (in which I could’ve killed us all and caused a huge accident), I decided I wanted to quit and never drive. I didn’t drive at all after that. Meanwhile, Aiden continued driving people around during the week.

Coming back to Texas

Every year, we go back to Texas for a few reasons.

– get school supplies from storage

– see our friends

– get anything done with our vehicle/RV that needs to be done

We are now in Texas, and as we don’t normally stay long, my parents decided Aiden and I should get our driver’s licenses. Let me explain some more.

We only come back to Texas once a year. We come in the fall and leave before the next year (normally). Since my birthday is in February and I will be turning 18 then, we would be out of state and unable to take our road tests. We didn’t want to have to deal with me getting my license as an adult. (I did kids’ driver’s ed.) Thus, this was my only chance to take the test. Also, Aiden applied to a job that could’ve required a license, so that was incentive for him to get his. I didn’t want to, but my parents had me take the test because of all the time and money they’d already put into teaching me. Aiden was ready. I wasn’t at all.

Preparation

My mom found a small city in north Texas. She found an RV park nearby we could stay at, and for two days prior to the test, I practiced parking and driving around. After not having driven in months, I had to get used to the feel of the truck. Parking in all kinds of ways at a semi-empty parking lot really helped. I think what made it even easier was that there weren’t people around, so I only had to worry about the stationary vehicles, and I didn’t get as nervous as I normally do. (also my dad is a great driver and knows exactly when I’m about to hit something. This helped a lot when learning to park in tight spots.)

Did I mention parallel parking? Well, the DMV we took our test at had a parallel parking spot. According to the workers inside the building, the spot is about 5 feet longer than our truck. That leaves little room for mistakes. One of the days the DMV was closed, we went down there in our truck, and both Aiden and I practiced parallel parking in the tiny spot. Even our dad said he wouldn’t try parking in a spot that small (and he drives our RV everywhere).

Thankfully, parallel parking is more of a technique than a skill. For me, I didn’t have to figure out what felt right; I just had to follow the rules, and the truck would end up where it should’ve been.

My road test

After two days of driving every day, Aiden and I scheduled our road tests. I set mine before Aiden’s so I wouldn’t get extra anxious during the waiting time. Basically, I woke up, got dressed, drove to the DMV, and took my test.

The first thing my driving examiner did was have me parallel park. I’m actually glad about this, because I didn’t have to worry about it afterwards. Next, I did a quick stop and then drove straight backwards. After that, I drove onto the highway, around a neighborhood, and back to the DMV.

The test didn’t take very long. I got sixteen points taken off (out of the allowed 30), and most of those were in parallel parking. The others were for almost missing the highway exit and not turning my head enough (so the examiner could see I was looking) when passing through a green light. I got observation wrong in the “use of lanes” column. The examiner told me what I did wrong, but I’ve forgotten exactly what it was.

Pass or fail?

And now, the answer you all have been waiting for: did I pass or fail?

I passed! I literally sat in the car for a few seconds after the examiner left and did a tiny happy dance. That is soo unlike me, but I think it fit the occasion.

Honestly, I didn’t expect to pass. All I wanted to do was get back to the DMV safely and be done with the test. However, I prayed for God to be with me and calm my nerves so I’d be able to drive safely, and I think he did exactly that.

Driving alone

Now that I’m a licensed driver, what will I do? Hmm, let me think. First off, not drive.

“Not drive? Then why did you get your license?”

Legally, I’m allowed to drive, but I don’t consider myself the best driver. I kind of don’t trust myself behind the wheel. Furthermore, I am not on our truck’s insurance, it costs tons to add a child, and I don’t have anywhere I need to drive to.

Still, I’m glad I got my license. If there’s an emergency, I can drive, and if I need to have some form of ID, my license will work. And I never have to worry about taking a driving test again. (The only thing I will have to do is renew my license in four months when I turn 18.)

Conclusion

I’m happy I have my license. Up until the test, I was very nervous—so much so that my hands and knees were literally shaking—and I’m happy it’s over. I don’t plan on using my license now, but if I for some reason I need to drive in the future, I don’t have to worry about anything besides staying safe.

That’s it for today guys! I hope you enjoyed this (unusually long) post. If you liked it, comment down below, and if you didn’t, feel free to suggest posts you want to see in the future. Until next time, happy reading!

September 14, 2022September 14, 2022

Moving on from High School

Since posting about my graduation, I’ve been getting a lot of questions about what I plan on doing next. Jobs, college, independence—that’s what comes next for most high school graduates. Still, I am left wondering, what am I going to do with my life? What do I want to pursue?

Keep writing

I love writing. It is a gift God has given me, and I want to use it for his glory. I am currently working on four projects, but I’m not ready to publish yet. I’ll need to learn marketing and social media skills first. Nevertheless, writing is something I want to pursue—just not as a career. (But if God turns it into something I can make a living off of, I am in no way opposed.)

Get a job

I do want to get a job. I want to be able to move out at some point in the future, so a job is one of the first steps. I have several interests, but I don’t know exactly what I want to do yet.

Freelancing

Right now, freelancing in design, website related stuff, and writing seems like the most manageable job option for me. Once I turn 18, I will pursue this and see where it gets me. There are a couple reasons this is ideal for me.

1. I work best on my own and in creative activities. Freelancing gives me complete control of what I want to do, how much I want to work, and where I want to work from. Since keeping up with deadlines and getting things done is no problem for me, freelancing seems to fit the bill.

2. I don’t drive. Freelancing (online) allows me to work from the comfort of my own home, without having to spend time or energy on transportation. I don’t like driving, and I don’t want to have to have someone drive me around. If I freelance, I don’t have to worry about any of that.

Acting

Another interest I have is voice acting. I enjoy voice acting and would like to pursue this as a job, but it isn’t a stable one. The industry is very competitive, and work is in no way at all guaranteed. Ideally, I would love to work for Christian audio drama production companies. The only problem with this is that I have a low chance of getting into exactly what I want, and most likely, I’d have to start out doing small gigs with no spiritual importance. I’d be working just to work (as compared to reaching an audience with a message I support).

The same goes for normal acting. I’d love to try it out, although I think my strengths are more suited for voice acting. Still, any type of acting would be fun to do, and even though I’ve never tried it, maybe I’d be good at normal acting…maybe? Again, I’d love to work for a cause I believe in. I wouldn’t be comfortable acting out things I believe are wrong, so it’s important I don’t do things just for the money or experience. *Chances of ever getting a job in acting plummet 90 percent* Hey, beggars can’t be choosers, right?

I don’t plan on pursuing acting (of any type) yet, as it requires putting myself out there and traveling, two things I am not yet comfortable doing. I want to figure out who I am as a person and what I am capable of before jumping into something so big.

Modeling

Similar to voice acting, modeling isn’t a stable job. It is competitive as well, and although I haven’t done anything with modeling, I think it is an interesting opportunity. Like voice acting, you are doing something new every day, meeting new people, and interacting with strangers. I think modeling could be a fun job (or side job to freelancing), but I’d have to look into it more. Chances of landing gigs are probably a lot higher in this industry.

Honestly, I don’t want to get into modeling yet for the same reasons I have for voice acting. However, I think I’d be more comfortable jumping into modeling rather than voice acting, just because anxiety plays less into how you perform. I think I will stick to freelancing and writing for now.

College

People have asked about college. I don’t plan on going, as there isn’t anything taught there I plan on doing. However, this could change in the future. It just isn’t on my agenda at the moment.

Conclusion

For now, I am going to focus on my writing and blog. When I turn 18, I will try freelancing, and from there, we’ll see what happens. Stay tuned to join me as I go through this journey, and don’t forget to comment and subscribe if you haven’t already. As always, happy reading, everyone!

September 6, 2022September 8, 2022

I Graduated High School

I am 17 years old, and I recently graduated high school. You may be thinking, “Hey, isn’t that early?” but let me explain a little bit.

Homeschool

I was homeschooled, so grades weren’t really grades. If you are being technical, I graduated when I was in grade 11. However, there are some reasons for this.

I skipped a grade of math when switching from brands (not sure what to call them). This is because the first math I was doing taught me quickly, and when I took the test to figure out where I was in Teaching Textbooks, I went straight up to pre-algebra.

There was no science for grade 12. I am not sure why, but I do know I did a whole bunch of challenging science before graduating. In fact, here’s a list of everything I did for math and science in the last four years of school:

Math: algebra I, geometry, algebra II, pre-calculus

Science: physical science, biology, berean chemistry, physics

What I did for my graduation

As in celebration? Nothing, unless you count the celebration in my heart. I was happy—very happy—to finally be finished with school. I could go on and talk about everything I liked and disliked about school, but we’ll save that for another blog post.

Other than that, I made a graduation certificate on Canva. This was just so I could apply to jobs that required I have a diploma. I know Canva isn’t an official diploma, but hey, if God wants me to get the job, he won’t let that stop me.

I also created a resume in Google Docs for fun. However, I ended up applying to two jobs with it and having to write two cover letters. I got rejected from one job. The other one still hasn’t contacted me back yet, so maybe they’re considering me.

Aiden graduated with me

Yep, you heard that right. Aiden, my 16-year-old brother, graduated with me. Our mom started us in school at the same time (since we’re only a year apart), and ever since then, Aiden has been doing the same grades as me. Right now, he enjoys producing music, playing chess, biking, and crocheting.

My next steps

I am working on my writing and website. Currently, I have four books that I’m working on, all in different stages of the writing process. I’ve been working on rebranding my website, as well as some other website things that aren’t public yet. Oh, and blog posts.

Besides this, I’ve applied to two jobs. I’m kind of looking for more opportunities, but I’m not sure yet what I want to do. I’ll do a blog post that goes more into depth on this topic. For now, I’m mainly focused on my writing.

September 6, 2022September 8, 2022

A Walkthrough of My Old Books

Get ready, because I’m about to roast my books. Since I am a naturally frank person (especially toward myself), expect this to be brutal. Savage reviews and ratings. From me. On my own books. Let’s get started!

Lyle's Revenge

This is the first book I ever wrote with the intention of publishing. If you read it, you can probably tell. Historical errors, cringey plot, and unoriginal names attest to this fact. Strangely enough, it is also the only starred book of mine on Amazon, with two five-star ratings. Don’t ask me why, since I have seriously contemplated deleting this from existence.

Rating: 0 stars (Wait, can I not give 0 stars? I’ll change it to 1.)

The Kingdoms Series (2 Book Set)

Both of these books began with school assignments to write short stories. There were very short, but I expanded them into slightly longer (but still short) stories. These would do good as picture books, I think, but I’m not a good artist.

As for what I think of these: I don’t see much spiritual value in either book, but God can use anything he wants for his glory.

Rating: 3 stars

The Enchanted Garden

When I was saved, I wanted to write something that would glorify God. This allegorical tale is what came to mind. Heavily inspired by C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien, I wrote this short story before I began self-publishing. Overall, I like the idea, but I think execution could have been better. As of now, it appeals to younger children.

Rating: 3.5 stars

The Gospel in Poems

Again, this is something I wrote right after I was saved. It consists of a few poems and is so short, I couldn’t publish it without adding in pictures. I like the variety of types of poems, but there are too few for this to be a book. Maybe I’ll make a blog post with all the poems in the future.

Rating: 3 stars

Haiku

Is it weird that I don’t especially like haiku but decided to write a book of them? This came from a LA assignment to write a haiku. Probably because I knew certain relatives would enjoy it, I turned the assignment into an entire (short) book of poems describing objects in nature, seasons, and animals.

Rating: 3 stars

Ninjas of the Mountains

Sigh. Another book that came from a school assignment? The original short story was a mystery, but since I don’t do that genre, I turned it into this. I think this book shows how much my writing improved compared to my previous books. Still, I could’ve worked on plot, and the characters’ names are original but not authentic.

I’m going to give it three stars for content. I think I did my research fairly well for this, and the plot is interesting. Because my writing improved so much for this book, I will add on another half star, giving it a grand total of 3.5 stars.

Rating: 3.5 stars

I hope you guys liked this blog post. If you have any questions or suggestions, feel free to contact me. I will be releasing updates on my WIPS in the future, so stay tuned by subscribing to my email list at the bottom of this page. Happy reading, everyone!

September 6, 2022September 8, 2022

Becoming a Self-Published Author

The Origins

For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved writing. When I was younger, I always had a notebook that I would fill with stories. Once one was used up, I’d send it to a family member and move on to the next.

My stories were usually based off of a picture I saw, a book I’d read, or a thought I’d had. To make them come to life even more, I would embellish them with drawings or stickers. My tales, characters, and settings varied drastically by notebook, but no matter where a story had originated from, it was always imaginative. Think straight out of a dream. Here are two short examples.

Panda Playground

Once, a family member gifted me a sheet of puffy panda stickers, so I wrote a story about a panda. It was in a Hello Kitty notebook. I think she may have been involved in the story as a result, but I can’t quite remember. However, I do vividly recall a page where I drew a panda playground and stuck panda stickers all over it.

Cat and Fish Bone

Another time, a family member gave me a blue notebook with a cat and fish skeleton on each page. Most people would think the cat ate the fish and make a story out of that, but I was maybe eight years old. That wasn’t even on my agenda. Instead, my brilliant mind decided the cat should get married to the fish skeleton (which I called Fish Bone), and they would have abnormal children. I think all their girl children were cats, and all the boys were fish skeletons.

Writing Evolution

Growing up, I was an avid collector of pencils and pens. Every Friday, I was allowed to choose a prize for finishing a week of school. Pencils were my go-to for a while. I used them for everything. Eventually, I discovered that I preferred pens, and the pencils became a decoration for my desk. I think most of my early writing years were spent using notebooks and pens.

When I was around twelve years old, I decided that I wanted to become an author when I was older. With that intention in mind, I created a writing binder. The binder was pink (not sure why—I don’t like pink) and filled with college-ruled papers. Every day, I would open up the binder, take out a few sheets, and either edit or add to a story. My writing started off as crazy figments of imagination, but over time, it evolved into more put-together, realistic plots. Most of the stories I’ve published have their beginnings in that binder.

Technology

Technology was a game changer. My family had a Kindle we shared and almost never used. When I was allowed to use a writing app on it, I discovered how much easier things could be. It was love at first use. I began transferring all my pre-existing books from my binder onto the Kindle, and from there, I edited. It was amazing how easily I could erase and add words without having to rewrite an entire page by hand. A new world of endless opportunities had just opened up for me. Writing had never been easier.

Self-Publishing

That’s when I seriously began thinking about publishing my books. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, but my mom helped me set up an email, bank account, and KDP (Amazon self-publishing) account anyway. My dad found me a website host. From there, I designed my website and released six books. My parents graciously allowed me to figure out things on my own, and I am very thankful for that. I learn best through trial and error, and these years were so helpful for me. Even though I regret what came out of that time, God used it to teach me so much I wouldn’t have learned otherwise.

My biggest mistake was probably releasing semi-edited stories with plots I now cringe to think about. My mom warned me to edit more first, but I didn’t listen, and sales dropped from a couple a week to nothing. I’ve seriously contemplated taking half of my books down. However, I don’t want to forget where I’ve come from and how much I’ve grown since becoming an author, and I think others should get to see that as well.